Relational Aggression: What is it and what to do about it.

“You can’t sit with us”

Most of us remember this iconic line from the 2004 movie Mean Girls, but this is not just something that happens in movies. This and other statements are common and occur daily in lunchrooms, on social media, and on school playgrounds.

Whispers behind backs, exclusion from groups, eye-rolls, and the silent treatment. These behaviors might seem harmless or even “typical girl drama,” but they can leave lasting emotional scars, especially during critical developmental stages when children are forming their sense of self and belonging.

We call this Relational Aggression 

Relational aggression is defined as a covert set of manipulative behaviors used to hurt someone through damage to relationships, threats of harm, or both—a non-physical form of bullying.  Even though this can occur at any age, we find this more likely to happen in our youth and more likely to occur among girls.  Since this behavior is not outright aggressive or physical, it can often fly under the radar or be missed by teachers or caregivers.

The lasting effects of relational aggression can be devastating to the victims. This includes increased rates of depression and anxiety, decreased academic performance, social withdrawal, reports of low self-esteem, and increased reports of negative self-image. Relational aggression also has an impact on the development of trust issues in future relationships and an increased risk of self-harm or suicidal thoughts for those experiencing relational aggression.

As an Adlerian Play Therapist, we know that all behavior is goal-directed, even misbehavior.  When it comes to relational aggression, we see this as a bid to meet the need for belonging or significance. This is not just about being mean, it is often a misguided way to feel powerful, accepted, or in control when a child is worried about the uncertainty of their status in a group or fears being left out.

So why do we see this more in girls than boys? How do we identify relational aggression? What do we, as caring adults, do to address it?

Why Girls?

Part of the reason we see this more in girls than boys is simply how we socialize girls. We often socialize our girls from an early age to avoid confrontation and aggression, leading to more covert ways to express anger and frustration. Girls, by nature, develop more social awareness and social intelligence at an early stage than boys, learning to navigate social relationships at a different level and at a much younger age.   We also see this in cartoons and TV shows aimed at young girls.  It’s become a popular tactic used in reality TV to elevate the drama and part of what gets more likes on social media. We adults are also to blame; very often, these girls mimic behavior they have seen from the adults in their lives.  From a mental health perspective, what we know is, girls who have lower rates of self-esteem are more likely to turn to social media and media in general to craft an identity.  It makes sense that they would take on the characteristics of those who are perceived to have power, the “Queen Bees”.  One of the main reasons girls are more likely to engage in relational aggression is that girls use this as a means to maintain their social status.

How do we identify when relational aggression is happening?

Relational aggression can be subtle, which often makes it difficult to catch early on.  Some signs to look for. Shifts in behavior- If you are noticing a sudden change in behavior around a certain group of friends, a decrease in interest in activities that they once enjoyed after being around certain peers, and even an increased amount of worry about how they are perceived by peers.  You may also notice a sudden drop in academic performance, increased worry and anxiety around attending school or activities, drastic changes to their personality, or sudden shifts in their friend group.  This can include isolation or exclusion of a once close friend or you noticing your own child not being included as much as they were in the past.

What can we do as trusted adults to stop this?

Call It Out But Validate- As adults, it’s our job to guide our children and set the example of what healthy relationships are.  If you notice these changes occurring in your child’s friendship group call it out and open the door of communication with your child.  This is not a shameful conversation but one in which we are listening and validating their experience.

Create and Cultivate Spaces of Belonging-  It’s important to ensure our kiddos have diverse spaces that are focused on belonging.  Keeping them engaged in activities that provide meaning and purpose not only increases their level of self-esteem but creates a diverse network of friends so they aren’t relying on a single social group to meet their need for connection and belonging.  It’s much easier to walk away from a negative encounter if I know there is a group of welcoming friends who accept all the pieces of me.

Ask For Help- Relational aggression can have long-term effects for those who experience it.  It’s important to reach out for help to ensure your kiddo is being provided with the tools needed to navigate a situation like this.  This can be done at the school level by ensuring the school staff is aware of what is going on and can address it directly, creating a culture of kindness and belonging for all students and providing students with tools to be able to call out relational aggression when they see it happening.  This can also look like addressing it head-on with the adult caregiver of the aggressor, understanding that, very often, this behavior is first learned at home. This can be a delicate step to take that could lead to more isolation when the behavior is called out, so be prepared for this.  Most importantly, reaching out for help may be a call to a licensed mental health professional trained to work with children and adolescents to help your child increase their self-esteem, practice assertiveness skills, and create empowered boundaries.  You can also seek social skills groups aimed at creating positive peer interactions to help your child build and practice the skills needed to maintain healthy relationships.

In sum, relational aggression is not just “girls being girls” or part of the typical school experience.  It’s a pervasive, deeming experience that has long-term effects on a child’s self-esteem, identity development and impacts their need for connection and belonging, which are essential for healthy development. Raising children rooted in encouragement, connection, and belonging means addressing this head-on the moment we notice.

If you are looking for more resources on how to deal with relational aggression, here are a few reading resources. 

Odd Girl Out, Revised and Updated: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons

Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades by Michelle Anthony M.A. Ph.D. and Reyna Lindert Ph.D.

The Not-So-Friendly Friend: How To Set Boundaries for Healthy Friendships by Christina Furnival

A Smart Girl's Guide: Friendship Troubles: Dealing with fights, being left out & the whole popularity thing (American Girl® Wellbeing)

Queen Bees and Wannabes, 3rd Edition: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boys, and the New Realities of Girl World by Rosalind Wiseman

Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads: Dealing with the Difficult Parents in Your Child's Life by Rosalind Wiseman

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